Recognizing the Role of Joy and Love Bonds in our Maturity
In the book Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, Jim Wilder explains why spiritual maturity is so critical if we want to overcome the struggles and “junk” in our lives.
At the foundation of spiritual maturity is something very simple—something every child instinctively longs for during the first years of life.
It is the experience of joy in loving relationships.
Some neurologists describe the deepest human need this way:
Every human being wants to be “the sparkle in someone’s eye.”
Joy and Relationships
Joy is experienced in relationship.
Joy happens when someone is genuinely happy to see me.
When someone delights in my presence, it produces a powerful internal experience:
- confidence
- security
- peace
- belonging
- connection
And when I experience joy, that joy naturally flows back toward the person who delights in me. Joy is contagious.
God designed us this way.
Even in a broken world, God desires for us to learn how to experience joy in relationships.
What if Joy Was Missing?
But what happens if this foundation of joy was not fully established early in life?
Many people did not grow up experiencing consistent joy and delight in relationships.
The good news is that neuroscience has discovered something encouraging.
God designed the brain so that the joy center can continue to grow throughout life.
Even when other areas of the brain are damaged or limited, the joy center can still develop—much like a muscle that becomes stronger with exercise.
This means it is possible to develop what Wilder calls “joy strength.”
How can I develop joy strength?
There are two primary ways joy strength develops.
1. Increasing Joy Capacity
We grow joy strength through healthy, life-giving relationships where people:
- delight in one another
- remain emotionally present
- help each other return to joy after stress
- serve one another
We talked about building joy capacity in our week three study. If you don’t remember that, head back to week three and review.
2. Experiencing Joy With God
Joy also grows through relationship with God.
Because of Jesus, we have a foundational truth available to us:
God is happy to be with me.
The grace of God secured through the love and sacrifice of Christ gives us a deep, unshakable joy.
When this truth becomes rooted in our identity, we gain the ability to return to joy regardless of our circumstances.
Jesus said this:
Whoever publicly acknowledges me before others the Son of Man will also acknowledge before the Angels of God. Luke 12:8-9
What Stands In My Way?
Of course, an intimate relationship with God is the very thing the enemy seeks to prevent.
Scripture tells us that Satan is always looking for opportunities to deceive and discourage us. He does this in 3 primary ways:
- Through distractions and worldly temptations
- He uses the cares of this world, pleasures and busyness to divert attention to God
- Through accusations and condemnation
- He constantly reminds us of failures, past sins and shortcomings to breed guilt and unworthiness
- Through deception and lies
- He often reinforces lie-based beliefs from past traumas or unresolved wounds, distorts the truth, and tries to isolate us from healthy relationships.
Maturity Indicators
Jim Wilder writes:
Maturity is often blocked, and the blocks usually come from absences in two areas – from unfinished trauma recovery, and from the lack of life-giving relationships.
Jim Wilder, Living from Heart Jesus Gave You,
These two areas are often deeply connected.
When trauma is unresolved and life-giving relationships are absent, maturity becomes very difficult.
The Life Model, developed by Jim Wilder at Shepherd’s House, describes stages of relational maturity and the developmental tasks associated with each stage of life.
Each stage of development includes important tasks that help form identity and maturity.
These stages include:
- Infant
- Child
- Adult
- Parent
- Elder
When these tasks are learned within healthy relationships, maturity develops naturally.
When they are missing, people often struggle later in life with identity, emotional regulation, and relationships.
Below is a chart showing a sampling of these maturity indicators. I found this to be helpful to reveal what my life at these various stages looked like. Where I was successfully taught the personal task, and also when I was not. Ask yourself these questions as you review.
1) Did I learn the personal task at that stage of my development?
2) If not, can I relate to “when the tasks fail?”
From: The Life Model Maturity Indicators.
The Infant Stage: Birth Through Age 3
| Personal Tasks | Community and Family Tasks | When the Tasks Fail |
| Lives in joy: Expands capacity for joy, learns that joy is one’s normal state, and builds joy strength | Parents delight in the infant’s wonderful and unique existence | Weak identity: fear and coldness dominate bonds with others |
| Develops trust | Parents build strong, loving, bonds with the infant – bonds of unconditional love | Has difficulty bonding – which often leads to manipulative, self centered, isolated, or discontented personality |
| Learns how to return to joy from every unpleasant emotion | Provides enough safety and companionship during difficulties, so the infant can return to joy from any other emotion | Has uncontrollable emotional outbursts, excessive worry and depression. Avoids, escapes or gets stuck in certain emotions |
The Child Stage: Age 4 Through 12
| Personal Tasks | Community and Family Tasks | When the Tasks Fail |
| Asks for what is needed – can say what one thinks or feels | Teaches and allow child to appropriately articulate needs | Experiences continual frustration and disappointment because needs are not met; is often passive aggressive |
| Learns what brings personal satisfaction | Helps child to evaluate the consequences of own behaviors, and to identify what satisfies him | Is obsessed with or addicted to food, drugs, sex, money, or power, in a desperate chase to find satisfaction |
| Understands how he fits into history as well as the “big picture” of what life is about | Educates the child about the family history as well as the history of the family of God | Feels disconnected from history and is unable to protect self from family lies or dysfunctions that are passed on |
The Adult Stage: Age 13 to Birth of 1st Child
| Personal Tasks | Community and Family Tasks | When the Task Fails |
| Cares for self and others simultaneously in mutually satisfying relationships | Provides the opportunity to participate in group life | Is self centered, leaves other people dissatisfied and frustrated |
| Remains stable in difficult situations, and knows how to return self and others to joy | Affirms that the young adult will make it through difficult times | Conforms to peer pressure, and participates in negative and destructive group activities |
| Bonds with peers; develops group identity | Provides positive environment and activities where peers can bond | Is a loner, with tendencies to isolate, shows excessive self-importance |
The Parent Stage: Birth of 1st Child Until Youngest Child is an Adult
| Personal Tasks | Community and Family Tasks | When the Task Fails |
| Protects, serves, and enjoys one’s family | The community gives the opportunity for both parents to sacrificially contribute to their families | Family members are 1) at risk, 2) deprived, 3) feel worthless or unimportant |
| Is devoted to taking care of children without expecting to be taken care of in return | The community promotes devoted parenting | Children have to take care of parents, which is impossible, and often leads to 1) child abuse/neglect and/or 2) “parentified” children – which actually blocks their maturity instead of facilitating it |
| Allows and provides spiritual parents and siblings for their children | The community encourages relationships between children and extended spiritual family members | Children are vulnerable to peer pressure, to cults, to any misfortune, and are less likely to succeed in life’s goals. Parents get overwhelmed without extended family support.. |
The Elder Stage: Beginning When Youngest Child Has Become An Adult
| Personal Tasks | Community and Family Tasks | When The Tasks Fail |
| Prizes each community member, and enjoys the true self in each individual | The community provides opportunities for elders to be involved with those in all of the other maturity stages | Life-giving interactions diminish, along with life-giving interdependence, stunting the community’s growth. Fragile, at-risk people fail to heal or survive |
| Parents and the community matures | The community creates a structure to help the elders do their job, which allows people at every stage of maturity to interact properly with those in other stages, and listen to the wisdom of maturity | When elders do not lead, unqualified people do, resulting in immature interactions at every level of the community |
| Gives life to those without a family through spiritual adoption | Places a high value on being a spiritual family to those with no family | When the “familyness” are not individually taken care of, poverty, violence, crisis, crime, and mental disorders increase. |
When these maturity tasks are missing, people often enter adult relationships still carrying unmet needs and fear-based motivations.
When we fail to mature properly, our actions begin to be based on fear. If our parents were able to provide a foundation based on love bonds, you will likely be motivated and mirror the same with others. However, if you experienced more of a fear bonding experience with your parents, it will result in a “motivational system that is immature”.
Fear Bonds and Love Bonds
What Are Fear Bonds and How Do They Develop?
When maturity tasks fail during development, fear bonds often form.
For example, if a child grows up in an environment of criticism, shame, or emotional neglect, the brain may learn to operate from fear rather than joy. Over time, this can create a fear-based motivational system. Instead of being motivated by joy and connection, a person becomes motivated by avoiding pain.
This may show up in behaviors such as:
- working hard to avoid criticism
- controlling others to prevent rejection
- hiding emotions to avoid shame
As we saw in the maturity indicators, when developmental tasks are not learned—often because no one was able to teach or model them—gaps form during our formative years. These gaps can influence how we motivate ourselves and how we respond to others in everyday life.
Isolation is one of the most damaging experiences a person can face. Because of this, the relational bonds we form play a significant role in our development.
Research suggests that there are two primary kinds of relational bonds: fear bonds and love bonds.
Fear Bonds
Fear bonds form when relationships are primarily about avoiding pain rather than building connection.
A fear bond occurs when a relationship is held together by anxiety, pressure, control, or emotional reactions. Partners may feel they must avoid upsetting the other person, manage the other person’s emotions, or protect themselves from conflict.
Fear bonds are often characterized by:
- anxiety
- shame
- control
- emotional withdrawal
- fear of rejection
In these relationships, people often feel they must protect themselves. They may hide their true selves or try to control situations in order to avoid being hurt.
Fear bonds can show up in many ways. Sometimes people try to control others through:
- anger
- contempt
- silence
- manipulation
- withdrawal
Other times people become focused on fixing others instead of addressing their own fears. Both patterns often grow out of unresolved fear bonds.
Jim Wilder describes how fear shapes our thinking this way:
“When fearful, we threaten ourselves with what will happen if we do not get to work on time, lose weight, save money, or keep our partner from getting mad. We think about things that could go wrong. We worry, feel guilty, run from shame and blame others. We become emotionally paralyzed and operate far below our potential.”
—Jim Wilder, Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You
When we spend long periods focused on negative thoughts and emotions, our brains begin to mirror those feelings in our relationships.
Love Bonds
A love bond, on the other hand, is built on safety, honesty, and mutual care.
Love bonds form through joy, safety, and connection. In a love bond, each person is able to remain themselves even when stress or disagreement arises.
Love bonds are characterized by:
- honesty
- closeness
- peace
- mutual care
- authentic joy
These relationships create freedom for people to be themselves and grow together.
Fear bonds ask, “How do I protect myself?”
Love bonds ask, “How can we stay connected?”
Fear Bonds and Love Bonds in Marriage
Many marriages unintentionally operate from fear bonds rather than love bonds.
When fear drives a relationship, spouses may feel responsible for managing each other’s emotions, avoiding conflict at all costs, or protecting themselves from being hurt.
Fear bonds often sound like this internally:
- “If I upset my spouse, everything will fall apart.”
- “I must fix this situation or things will get worse.”
- “I have to control the outcome so I can feel safe.”
These patterns are rarely intentional. They often grow out of past wounds, trauma, or unmet needs that shape how we respond when we feel threatened.
But when our identity and security are rooted in Christ, something different begins to happen.
Instead of fear driving the relationship, love becomes the foundation.
A love bond forms when two people are able to remain themselves, stay connected, and respond with love even during stress or disagreement.
In this kind of relationship:
- each spouse takes responsibility for their own emotions and choices
- both partners remain connected during conflict
- truth can be spoken honestly without fear of rejection
- love grows out of mutual trust rather than pressure
This kind of relationship reflects the freedom of God’s Kingdom.
A Comparison of Love bonds and Fear Bonds
| LOVE BONDS | FEAR BONDS |
| Based on love and characterized by truth, closeness, intimacy, joy, peace, perseverance, and authentic giving. | Based on fear and characterized by pain, humiliation, desperation, shame, guile, and/or fear of rejection, abandonment, or other detrimental consequences. |
| Desire driven – I bond with you because I want to be with you. | Avoidance driven – I bond with you because I want to avoid negative feelings or pain. |
| Grow stronger both when we move closer and when we move away from each other – When we move closer, I get to know you better. When we move away from each other, I am still blessed by the memory of you. | Grow stronger only by moving closer or by moving further away – The closer we are, the scarier it gets, so I must avoid closeness. The further apart we are, the scarier it gets, so I need to manipulate closeness. |
| We can share both positive and negative feelings – The bond is strengthened by this truthful sharing. | We cannot share both positive and negative feelings —The bond is strengthened by (1) avoiding negative or positive feelings, or (2) by seeking only negative feelings or seeking only positive feelings. |
| Participants on both ends of the bond benefit—The bond encourages all people to act like themselves. | Participants on only one end of the bond benefit—The bond keeps people from acting like themselves. |
| Truth pervades the relationship. | Deceit and pretending pervades the relationship. |
| Grow and mature people—Equipping people to find their hearts. | Restrict and stunt growth—Keeping people from finding their hearts. |
| Govern “How do I act like myself?” | Govern “How do I solve problems?” |
What can be done when fear bonds have taken over a marriage, and it feels impossible to practice little changes? Jim Wilder offers a helpful perspective.
Sowing to the Flesh and Fear Bonds
Reading this from Galatians 6:8 NIV translation:
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their sinful nature (flesh), from the sinful nature (flesh) will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
What does it mean to “please” the sinful nature?
As I dug into it, I discovered something interesting.
There isn’t actually a specific Greek or Hebrew word for “please” in that passage. Instead, the language describes someone who “sows into the flesh.”
In other words, it’s not just about a feeling or a moment.
It’s about planting.
It’s about where we are investing our energy, our thoughts, our focus, and our responses.
To “sow to the flesh” means we are, over time, feeding, reinforcing, and cooperating with our sinful nature, living in a way that satisfies or serves it.
This leads to an important question:
Are we, in some way, willingly serving ourselves by holding onto anger?
Are we satisfying something within us by remaining frustrated, bitter, or resentful toward our spouse?
Because if we’re honest, anger can feel powerful.
It can feel protective.
It can even feel justified.
But in those moments, the deeper question becomes:
What are we actually feeding?
This connects directly to what we’ve been talking about with fear bonds.
A fear bond is often built on self-protection.
It’s driven by the need to feel safe, in control, or not hurt again.
And while that response may come from very real pain, it can also become something we continue to reinforce.
We avoid vulnerability.
We withdraw.
We control.
We react.
Over time, a person may not just be trapped in the pattern, they may actually be sustaining it.
In that sense, a fear bond can become more than just something that happened to us.
It can become something we participate in.
Not always consciously.
Not always intentionally.
But in the ways we continue to protect ourselves rather than trust God.
This is where the tension lies.
Because on one hand, many of these patterns were formed in places of real hurt, trauma, or unmet needs.
But on the other hand, we are still invited into something different.
We are invited to notice:
What are we feeding?
What are we reinforcing?
What are we sowing into? What are we planting?
Not with condemnation.
But with honesty.
Because if we continue to invest in or plant these things; fear, bitterness, resentment, control, anger, or rage, we will shape our lives and marriages to our own kingdom of self-protection vs. living in the Kingdom of God, through Jesus and His Spirit, that offers us freedom.
Paul says there are two ways to plant or sow. First, relying on our own power to “please” our flesh or second, planting to “please” the Spirit. James agrees with Paul and in James 1 adds much to this idea by telling us to …humbly accept the word “planted” in you, so that we can rely on his power to help us to please the Spirit.
The Foundation of True Love Bonds
For true love bonds to exist in a marriage, the deepest source of those bonds must come from the Lord and from his word “planted” in us.
When a husband and wife are both seeking God with all their heart, soul, and mind—placing their trust and reliance on Him—something important begins to happen. Their relationship with God becomes the foundation of who they are.
Jesus described this priority when He said:
“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
—Matthew 6:33
When our primary pursuit is God and His Kingdom, the other parts of our lives begin to find their proper place—including our marriage.
Instead of looking to a spouse to provide ultimate happiness, identity, or fulfillment, each person learns to find those things first in their relationship with God.
Jesus also described this kind of connection using the image of a vine and branches:
“Abide in me, and I in you… apart from me you can do nothing.”
—John 15:4–5
When both husband and wife remain connected to Christ as their source of life, love begins to flow naturally from that relationship.
But following Jesus also involves something deeper. Jesus said:
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
—Luke 9:23
This principle has much to do with what it means to die to our flesh.
Our natural human tendency is to focus on protecting ourselves, getting our own way, and demanding that others meet our needs. In marriage, this often shows up as defensiveness, control, blame, or resentment.
But when we follow Jesus, we learn a different way.
Picking up our cross means surrendering our self-centered instincts and trusting God to shape our hearts. It means allowing Him to transform our desires so that love, humility, patience, and grace begin to replace fear, pride, and self-protection.
In marriage, this principle becomes very practical. Especially during conflict. When disagreements arise, our natural instinct is often to defend ourselves, prove our point, or demand that our spouse see things our way. Dying to our flesh means choosing a different response. It may mean listening when we would rather argue, showing patience when we feel irritated, admitting when we are wrong, or extending grace when we feel hurt. It means serving sacrificially without expecting something in return. Taking up our cross in marriage does not mean ignoring problems or suppressing truth; rather, it means allowing Christ to shape our responses so that love, humility, and forgiveness guide how we treat one another—even when emotions run high.
The Apostle John reminds us that the very ability to love comes from God Himself:
“We love because He first loved us.”
—1 John 4:19
In other words, the love that strengthens a marriage is ultimately received from God before it is expressed toward each other.
When both husband and wife are rooted in Christ, they stop asking their marriage to be their savior—and instead allow Christ to be the center that holds their relationship together.
One way I like to think about it is this:
When our relationship with the Lord is primary, our marriage becomes like gravy on top of the mashed potatoes.
The mashed potatoes—the real nourishment—come from our relationship with God. The gravy adds richness, flavor, and enjoyment to what is already good.
Marriage becomes a gift to be enjoyed rather than a source we depend on to meet every need.
When both husband and wife are living this way—seeking God, dying to the flesh, and receiving love from Him first—love bonds can flourish. Another way to think about this is who did God create both me and my spouse to be and how can I support that as my best plan moving forward?
Consider the Raven 