I was on a run the other day and came across a dead Raven in the road. As far as I can recall, I don’t know that I have seen many dead Ravens. They are much too quick and aware of their surroundings to be caught off guard enough to get hit by a car. It made me pause to think about what this bird must have been so immersed in that distracted it so much, that his normal senses didn’t kick in to protect him.
We do this same thing. Sometimes, without knowing it, we stop developing or seeking positive, healthy relationships with God and others and it results in inappropriate personal boundaries and unhealthy behaviors which are necessary for healthy relationships to grow. Then before you know it, boom! We get blind sided and feel like we are road kill.
This last week of our nine week study is focused on developing positive relationships with God and others by learning appropriate boundaries and the skills necessary for healthy relationships.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.
John 15:9
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely, I have a delightful inheritance.Psalm 16:6
The day is yours, and yours also the night; you established the sun and moon. It was you who set all the boundaries of the earth; you made both summer and winter.Psalm 74:16-17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!II Corinthians 5:17
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Guard your heart…
Created for Relationship
Whether or not you realize it, God created you for relationship. Some of your relationships are fleeting— a few words spoken with the check-out clerk, the neighbor you wave to as the garage door closes behind you, etc.
You also have acquaintances—people you may interact with frequently, but not in great depth—co-workers, people at church, the neighbor whose name you do not remember.
You may also have intimate, trusting relationships. A person or a few people who you’re completely honest with, who you’re completely yourself with. A person or people you trust with your heart. God created you in His image, so He could have this kind of relationship with you.
In Genesis, we read that God had an intimate and trusting relationship with Adam and Eve until Satan tempted and led the two into sin. Relationships haven’t been the same since Adam and Eve took the advice of the serpent and ate the fruit of the tree God forbid them to eat from. Ever since, relationships have been difficult.
Three Types of Relationships
There are three primary types of relationships:
- A controlling relationship
- A separated relationship
- A healthy relationship
Controlling Relationship
In a controlling relationship you must conform and surrender to my wishes. In a controlling relationship one person has all of the power. An abusive relationship is an example of a controlling relationship.
Fear and insecurity: The reasons people become controlling in a relationship are often the same reasons that people allow themselves to be controlled in a relationship—insecurity, fear, and the family of origin “system”. Fear and insecurity are powerful emotions that can lead to devastating choices.
Family of origin: We are all products of our childhood environment. If you grow up seeing your father abuse your mom, or you experience conditional love from your mother, unless someone intervenes to teach you otherwise, you may assume the behavior is normal. This leads you to behave the same way as an adult. When a child feels as though they have no control over their own life, they may continue that powerlessness pattern, or rebel against it by becoming controlling to compensate for the lack of control they felt in childhood.
In a controlling relationship no one is happy, no one is satisfied. Without intervention, both parties continue a downward spiral toward self-destruction—emotionally, and sometimes physically, sexually, and spiritually.
Some people are so determined to avoid a controlling relationship that they’re caught in another relationship trap.
Separated Relationship
You stay over there. I’ll stay over here. The separated relationship is another example of an unhealthy relationship. This is a relationship of self-protection. If no one gets close, I don’t get hurt.
The problem with this is that while pain, loss, and disappointment are being kept out, so are joy, love, and connection. God never meant for us to live alone and isolated. That’s why He created Eve. Because He knew that, It is not good for man to be alone. (Genesis 2:18) The same goes for women. This disconnected lifestyle leads to loneliness, fear, and emotional and physical deterioration.
Healthy Relationship
God created us because He wants to be in relationship with us. If God sees the value in relationship, it is worth the risk to reach out to others, to allow them to draw near; to risk knowing and being known; to risk being hurt, maybe even rejected occasionally, so we can delight in the benefits of joy, love, and connection with God and His other children.
As we make those connections, our goal is to develop healthy relationships where each party has equal power and value, relationships where we are each still ourselves while sharing ourselves with one other. We allow others to enter our lives and we are welcomed into theirs.
In his his best-selling book “Boundaries,” Dr. John Townsend helps us understand healthy boundaries in relationships and how relational discord occurs when those boundaries are blurred:
The first element for healthy relationships: Grace
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.
1 Peter 4:10
We can start with this: God is for you. He’s on your team no matter what you do. Grace means there is nothing you can do (performance) to make God love you more just as there is nothing you can screw up that will make God love you less. According to 1 Peter 4:10 we are to be the delivery system of the grace of God to others in our relationships. Relationships that are great, tend to exhibit great grace. This type of relationship is safe where there is no condemnation…no judgement.
The second element is truth.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32
Truth is what is. What is real. Like the law of physics, gravity and the Bible, grace provides safety while truth provides the structure that we need to live upright. God integrates grace and truth together.
“I’m for you no matter what”, comes from grace. Truth says; “I need to give you some feedback so you don’t ruin yourself”. We need both of these: grace and truth.
You may have crazy relationships where grace and truth are trampled.
When someone is out of control, they trample on grace and don’t listen to truth. If you have a relationship with an addict for example; they are addicted to the “things” that are the most important to them. They are imprisoned by something. Everything in life centers on those things. And if you love that person, you will start taking responsibility for their pain, their emotion, their addiction and all of the sudden you will become their parent. You take on a parent role and try to fix them and rescue them. You become co dependent with them. This doesn’t work in the way God’s relational physics works: grace and truth.
Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.
Romans 13:13
How about when someone else is attempting to control you?
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galations 5:1
Jesus died for us so we can make choices. We can be free to make choices. We can say; “This is how I want to be respected, this is how I want be treated, this is how I want to be loved.” That is freedom. Some people don’t want you to have that freedom. When this happens, it is as if they are saying: “No, I will not offer you the freedom you are asking for, instead I will try to control you”. As long as you play along with this and don’t “rock the boat”, you may find peace. However, this kind of relationship is like walking on egg shells. It works until you step on one and then all hell breaks loose.
Some control by anger. Do it my way or I’ll blow up at you. I will get in your face and explode.
Some control by guilt. This says; If you don’t do it my way I’ll be hurt. I’m not mad, I’m hurt.
Either of these do not offer a balanced relationship that God tells us we can have.
In the Gospel of John, Jesus says He is in us and we are in Him. If it’s good enough for Jesus, who are we to argue?
In a healthy relationship, both or all parties contribute.
Healthy relationships are not just for couples: besides couples, healthy relationships are for families, friends, churches, and communities. We each bring our knowledge, insight, experiences, and fun to the party. We each bring needed support, compassion, healing, and power. We each give and we each receive. I color your world and you color mine.
Healthy relationships are not always easy: In healthy relationships, we are able to speak truth into another’s life and they are welcome to speak truth into ours. We won’t always agree. Participation in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean being and thinking and believing the same way about all things. It means loving, accepting, and respecting the other person and their right to have a different viewpoint.
Boundaries
An important key to a healthy relationship is healthy boundaries.
Physical boundaries are all around us. Boundaries keep us safe. Boundaries provide definition. Our skin is a type of boundary. It shows where my body ends, and another’s begins.
The fence around a yard is a boundary. It defines what’s my yard and what’s my neighbor’s yard. My yard is my responsibility. It’s up to me to water my grass, mow my lawn, and plant my flowers. I decide who comes into my yard. My neighbor’s yard is his responsibility. He chooses whether he will use fertilizer or not, the kind of trees he will have or cut down and who can enter his yard.
My Yard – Your Yard
We choose what we want to put in our “yard.” It is our responsibility. What happens in our neighbor’s “yard” is their responsibility. You wouldn’t plant a bush in your neighbor’s yard without their permission or against their will. And they shouldn’t come and fertilize your grass, even if they think your yard is full of weeds. The yard represents your life. You are responsible for your own feelings, attitudes and behaviors, and your neighbor is responsible for theirs.
We all have a special garden we are called to plant, tend, and protect. This garden is our life. Your “yard” is you. It is who you are, who God has made you to be. Often, you may have no idea who that is. Maybe you’ve allowed the world to define you. Maybe you’ve left the gates of your life open to others and allowed them to trample your yard.
Guard your heart. Your heart is your property line.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:20
Personal Boundaries
There are some boundaries that are more important than physical boundaries: personal boundaries. Personal boundaries define your personal space – where you end, and others begin. They help you understand your personal identity and help you maintain that identity.
Psalm 74 talks about some of the physical boundaries God has set in place. Scripture also reveals the personal boundaries God has set. He is God, we are not. He tells us in His Word what He will and will not allow, what He likes and what He doesn’t like. God’s boundaries provide safety and security for His children. We don’t have to guess or wonder whether the choices we make please Him. We can know what pleases Him. We can know what He allows.
The people around you deserve no less. You have a responsibility, not only to yourself, but to those around you to set reasonable personal boundaries. Setting boundaries is not selfish. Setting boundaries is not restrictive. Setting boundaries is generous and freeing.
Personal boundaries provide a safe place to discover who God made you to be. They are not a rock wall (keeping everyone out) but are like a good fence with a wide gate. That gate, though, only has a latch on the inside. You alone decide who and what comes in, and who and what goes out. Through your gate, you welcome in people and circumstances that nurture your life. Through your gate, you release pain, sin, fear, bitterness – anything that prevents you from becoming all God created you to be.
Love others without rescuing them. Love says I’m on your side but I’m not going to fix your problem.
Carry each others burdens verse… We are supposed to go the extra mile. Sacrifice is part of it. In the greek burden means a boulder. Divorce. Medical condition, Financial issues, bankruptcy, emotional problem, Greek: load does not mean boulder it means a back pack. What is in your back pack is yours what is in mine is mine. God didn’t intend for us to fix someone’s bad attitude. You can’t make a miserable person happy. It doesn’t work. Is this something they should be doing themselves? Get a job…
Learn to tell the truth in love.
Boundaries help you to discover and communicate to others what you will and will not allow in your life. Others don’t have to agree with your boundaries.
An important aspect of personal boundaries is allowing others to set their boundaries, as well. You are responsible for your boundaries; they are responsible for theirs, or lack thereof, as well as the resulting consequences. Your boundaries free you from taking on responsibilities, feelings, and consequences that don’t belong to you.
If you have lived a long time without boundaries it will take time, dedication, and patience to build your fence and your gates. It’s journey of discovery and change. Change may be difficult for you and for those around you. It’s important to use wisdom on this journey, so you know when, where, and with whom it’s safe to set new boundaries.
In severely abusive, violent situations, setting new boundaries must be approached with great caution, so you do not place yourself in more danger. This is one reason why a good support system is so important in creating new boundaries.
You need support: As you begin your journey of discovery and creating boundaries, surround yourself with safe, Godly people, who will walk with you. This support group is one example of a safe and supportive place. This journey will take time. Be patient and gentle with yourself and with others. We’re all learning something new and it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Types of Boundaries
Living with healthy boundaries begins by identifying boundaries. This list of boundaries will help you think through areas in your life where you may need to work on your own boundaries.
Words
- No
- That doesn’t work for me
- What are some other words you can use to set boundaries?
Truth
- Truth about God
- Truth about ourselves – who we are
- Overcoming lies about God’s Character
- Overcoming lies that others have spoken over us
- Overcoming lies we believe about ourselves
Time
- Time away from someone or something can be healthy.
- Examples? From people, work situations, other obligations.
- Taking a break – a vacation – a prayer retreat
Geographical Distance
- It may be necessary to completely remove yourself from a situation
- Relationship, work, bad situations
Emotional Distance
- Guard your heart – how much will you trust this person?
- How much will you open and share your story with this person?
- How much will you let someone else “dump” their problems on you?
Other People: Support Group
- Find people who understand boundaries and can help you set and keep them.
- Being in a support group during this time can give you the support you need to stay firm.
- Find an accountability partner to check in with.
Consequences:
- Setting and enforcing consequences will show people that you are serious about keeping your boundaries.
- You are choosing to not participate in another person’s negative behavior. If it is safe to do so, try to communicate ahead of time what the consequences will be if they violate your boundaries.
- It’s ok to have consequences. Recognize that consequences are a result of choices they’ve made to engage in unhealthy behaviors or actions.
Godly Boundaries
God Approves of Boundaries
Boundaries are a natural part of creation. The sea only comes so far on the shore, the hills only climb so high, the sky stops where it meets the ground. God Himself, shows us the perfect example of personal boundary-setting. He defines who He is; He is God, we are not. He tells us in His Word what He will and will not allow, what He likes and what He does not like. God’s boundaries provide safety and security for His creation.
Personal Boundaries
Define what is me and what is not me; where i end, and where otheres begin. Personal boundaries help me understnad what I am respondible for and set me free from taking on responsibilities , feelings, and consequences that do not belong to me.
Boundaries Help Keep the Good in and the Bad Out
Boundaries are not walls. Our boundaries need to have gates. Through our gates we welcome in people and circumstances that nurture who we are. Through our gates we release pain, sin, fear – anything that violates our boundaries and prevents us from becoming all that God created us to be.
Boundaries Set Us Free to Love
Good boundaries provide the security we need to reach out to others in love. Good boundaries free us from the need to judge or control others. We allow them to reap what they sow – to the good or to the bad. Having boundaries that are clearly understood (by us) and communicated (to others) frees us to be ourselves and to allow others to be themselves.
I Will Take Steps
“I will take steps” says more than “I will try to take steps.” Try leaves room for failure. How often do you say you will try, when you really mean, “I probably won’t do this, but don’t want to admit that, so I’ll pretend I’m going to do this?”
Saying, “I will take steps” is making a commitment. Who are you making this commitment to? To yourself? Good. To your family? Also, good. To God? Better…Best.
Given your whole life to Christ yet?
Have you given your whole life to Christ yet? Over your lifetime, you may have given away bits and pieces of yourself to people and organizations which have abused and misused you. Jesus will never use or abuse you. He also will not settle for bits and pieces of you. He wants all of you. He wants your beautiful parts. He wants the ugly parts you try to hide. He wants your weaknesses and your strengths. He wants your mind, heart, and body. He wants it all, because it is all precious to Him. You are precious to Him. Of all the relationships you will have in this life, the relationship you have with Jesus is the most important. He is the One who will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:8). He is the one who sets you free.
You can come to Jesus with your sin, your selfishness, your mistakes, your confusion, your unbelief, and He’ll take it all. He stands with arms outstretched to bring you close, to fill you with the peace and love you’ve been searching for all your life.
Jesus is the right place. Jesus has more love than you can hope for or imagine. He’s not waiting for you to clean up before coming. He just wants you to come. He’s drawn the bath. He’ll take the responsibility for cleaning up anything that needs cleaning. He just wants to love on you, to comfort you, to heal you. If you have never invited Jesus into your life, or even if you have, but want to recommit to your relationship with the Lord, take a minute to pray the following prayer – or one with your own words.
“Jesus, I confess that I have been willful. I have made choices that have been destructive to myself and to others. I have ignored your invitation to be part of a greater family, to be Your child and receive Your love. I confess that I do not understand how You could love me or why You would want me to draw near to You. But, Jesus, I choose to lay my doubts aside. I choose to believe that you are who You say You are and that I am who You say I am. Today, I choose You. Today, I choose to become a new creation.”
If you have chosen to give your whole life to Christ, welcome to the family! You are no longer alone. Please tell someone in the group about your decision to follow Christ. Life is a challenging journey and learning to follow Jesus is best done with others. Besides, it’s more fun that way, as we learn from and encourage one another.
Changing Unhealthy Patterns
Regret: Regret after apologizing and making amends is unhealthy. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all made choices that haven’t worked well. We’ve spoken up when we should have kept silent. We’ve kept silent when we should have spoken, acted when we should have waited; waited when we should have acted. We don’t get through life without making mistakes. Admit them, apologize for them, and make amends. Then move on. God has forgiven you.
Who authors your life?
Have you spent too much of your life allowing, or even inviting, others to define who you are and to direct your steps?
Hebrews 12:1-2
God is your creator. He created you with specific intent, with a specific purpose. Tune your ears away from the world and toward the Lord. Only He has the right and ability to reveal who He created you to be and how to live out your divine destiny. You can trust Him to gently make known any areas you need to change, and He will give you the tools, strength, and courage to make those changes.
Start with Jesus
Growing in relationships can be difficult. We’ve looked at some of the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships. We’ve begun to understand the importance of boundaries in relationships. Now, it’s time to put what you’ve learned into practice. A great place to start is your relationship with Jesus. There is no one safer than Jesus. You can be yourself with Him without fear that He will leave you, mock you, or talk about you behind your back.
As you build your relationship with Him, He will help you feel more confident to reach out to others. He will help you recognize who’s safe to let through your gates and who’s not.
Go Slow
It is important that you move slowly into new relationships. Take time to let others earn your trust. A relationship is giving and taking—a two-way interaction. Any relationship that’s all one way or the other is not a relationship.
Develop a positive support system in the church and the community
This is an easy one! By being in this group, you’ve already begun.
Hopefully, this group has been a positive support system for you and that you’ve learned how to receive and give support in a healthy manner.
The safety of a support group gives you strength to tell the truth about how things really are and how to do so without damaging others. It reminds you that you’re not alone and supports you to understand it’s ok to say no to others and yes to yourself.
Take what you’ve learned, and the great love Jesus has for you, and do two things:
- Nurture them and help them grow
2. Share them with others
The closure of this group is not the end. It’s the beginning. As Jesus asked us to do…You have “Considered the Raven”. As we began focusing on our own searching, foraging and seeking nine weeks ago, perhaps today, you will never again look at a Raven and not forget the love and the care that God has for you. That you can walk in the freedom that Jesus tells we can have as we Consider the Raven.
Questions for Week Nine:
- In which of my relationships do I take…
a) a passive role?
b) an aggressive role?
c) a passive-aggressive role?
d) an assertive role?
- Are there areas in my life where I have good boundaries? Explain.
- Are there areas in my life where I need to work on having healthy boundaries? Explain.
- Do you ever say “Yes” when you really want to say “No”? In what kinds of situations does that happen most often?
- How do you respond to others when they say “No”? Is it hard for you? Does it feel like rejection?
- How would I describe my relationship with God? Does God allow me to set boundaries with Him? Does He set boundaries with me?
- How have I experienced positive support from my Consider the Raven Support Group? What kind of support do I need to continue my healing process?
Consider the Raven 